i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
