I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
