Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
