I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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