Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
