Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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