Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
