Betty ford says i'm here all night
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
