"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
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