I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Terrible idea I love it
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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