6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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