My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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