Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
