I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
