Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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