Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
