I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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