Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
