im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Randomize
