i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
