i was born a porn star she said
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
it's like heaven, but drunker
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
