You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
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