So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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