id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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