no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
