I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
