dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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