if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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