Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
i need some magic done to my vagina
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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