First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
