my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
