the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Randomize
