did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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