We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
