between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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