i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
