i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
