I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I think I just sharted jello shots
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
