is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
