My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
