You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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