I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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