I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
These Are 23 Of The Most Uncomfortable Questions You Can Ask
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
The 17 Most Horrible Things Said To Online Daters
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things