remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
You pole danced in your parka.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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