I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
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