Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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