if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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