i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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