Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
