This dress was meant to end up on your floor
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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