dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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