Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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