I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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