shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
