That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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