Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
