People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
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