i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
you didnt know i had herpes?
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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